Me and Animals Part I

So, this is a repost of a blog I put on myspace after a mishap on the farm....(Yes Richard and all you Liberty you Bahama trip alums...the cows finally got their revenge.

This should be good for a laugh or two.
When we were on vacation a few weeks ago, we stopped in B'ham and stayed with some good friends and had lunch with a few more. While there I played football. Didn't get hurt like my good friend James. From there we went to Florida and swam in the outdoor pool and waded in the ocean in early December and petted and fed alligators. Didn't get sick or bitten. We then drove to Georgia to my grandparents farm to visit my grandmother. There we swam in the nasty pond in December, shot 9mm, .45 handguns and several rifles. Didnt' get sick or the funk from the pond. Didn't get snake bit and didn't get shot. But....my wife and I were taking a early morning walk around the farm with the baby and the two dogs. We were walking thru the cow pasture (beef cows, not used to a lot of human interaction) and enjoying the little fiasco created by two beagles who have never seen cows and about 25 cows who have never seen dogs. Now...there were a few pregnant cows and a couple brand new baby cows...but I've been going there all my life and think I'm a pretty good judge of a cow's character. Some of the cows were very upset and agressive, but when they would charge me instead of the dog's, I would act real big and throw my hands up and yell at them to get away....which they do. A very fine tactic if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of bluffing cattle. Some of the cows would be downright mean and I would chase them off before they could misbehave, others were very friendly and I would let them approach and would scratch their head or feed them from my hand.
Well...one particularly large pregnant cow (about 2000-2500 lbs.) approached and I could tell she was friendly (remember I'm good at judging the character of cattle ha ha) she came right up to me, and as I was reaching out to pet her, she lowered her head and charged me before I could react. She slammed into my knees with her head (right knee still hurts and is stiff) then lifted her head quite agressively into my groin. This not only hurt enormously, but sent my flying on to her back, backwards, and slammed my head into her shoulder blade. (felt like I had been punched above my eye for a week). I'm now laying on this cow backwards, my wife screaming for the cow to "stop it" and both dogs barking and howling. The cow proceeds to run with me riding backwards on it's neck feeling quite confused and instinctivelly punching it in the ribs, which, as it's a 2500 lb. cow, is less effective as the aforementioned tactic of acting big, throwing hands up and yelling. It then wants to punish me for taking this ride and runs head first into a barbed wire fence which managed to not only cut my leg up, but hurt the cow and make her angry thinking that I was the one poking her in the head. She then proceeds to throw me through the air sideways landing on my butt between her and my wife holding my 8 month old baby. Now that she's not blindfolded by my crotch and can see the source of her discomfort, she feels it's her maternal duty to charge my with the intent of stomping me to China. Luckily, I got off one good punch that caught her behind the ear causing her to wince in pain and turn in the other direction.
All this to say, I now think it unwise to play Dr. Phil in analyzing the intentions of beef, and just stay away from cows when there is no protective barrier.
See..you're laughin' out loud now aren't you?

I know you're thinking of some interesting comments to leave for me.....leave them and wait a few days for my most recent adventure with "wild" animals.....and remember, no matter what my wife says, there was no "girlie flailing" of the arms.