Me And Animals Part II

So....here is the end of the story, the part which prompted my wife to incorrectly and slanderously claim that I "flailed my arms like a girl".

My grandmother, Nanoo (yep, the one who's cow attacked me) is visiting for several weeks. So, we were over to visit. We had a nice meal on the patio and hung out for a while and ended the evening by watching a movie. It was quite late and I had to be at work the next day so we began loading up our crew to go. All of the kids were either asleep or very tired and it's become a bit of a tradition for my parents to carry the kids out to the van and buckle them in and do hugs and kisses. So, my father was walking out the front door carrying my 6 year old Josiah and I was right behind them. They went out the door first and I was right behind them when my dad looked at the door jamb and said "Oh look there's a frog" So, I looked. And this is when it all began. You see, I have a real issue with small critters. I would rather face the cow all over again than a charging squirrel. Thanks to Alfred Hitchcock I have a real issue with birds flying too close to me out of fear that they will either peck my eyeballs out while I lie squirming on the ground, or that they will steal something valuable of mine like the peacock in Florida that stole my giant chocloate chip cookie when I was a kid. When I was a teenager our cat chased a chipmunk into the house and I nearly lost all control of my bladder.

I would say that given the choice I would rather wrestle a Kodiak bear the size of Gentle Ben than have to deal with an angry bunny rabbit.

So...that should give some context to the rest of the story.

As I see this frog crawling up the door jamb from the corner of my eye my dad says "Ooh (which was a bit girlie in my opinion) it's a rat" OOHHH MMMYYYY GGGGOOODDD there's a rat within a foot of me and it's just high enough on the doorjamb to facilitate an easy leap onto my head to bore into my ear and feast on my brain while I die a slow painful neurologically torturous death. Granted...it's the size of a tree frog but PLEASE can't I choose to have a pregnant angry cow charging me??!!! If that freaking thing would have touched me I would have died an unintentionally self inflicted death in my efforts to escape it's blood soaked fangs!

Well...this is where there are a few different versions of the story. Everybody at the house (isn't it amazing how everyone but me can be completely mistaken on the actual facts of the story?) They all say I screamed in a high pitched tone as I spun in a circle flapping my arms. Really now...does that sound like me?

Here is the reality. In a moment of bravery and clarity, I managed to escape the throes of death at the claws of a vicious rodent.

The high pitched scream was really a Braveheart-esque war cry.

The spinning in a circle and flapping my arms is a gross misunderstanding of athleticism. All real men out there understand the swim move that Warren Sapp so aptly mastered and displayed for all Defensive Tackles the world over. See, my father and 6 year old son had me pinned in as a buffer between them and the beast. Now...I love my son and all but really...how can I leave a legacy if a R.O.U.S. (rodent of unusual size) has severed my jugular? So...I had to think of myself first.

I had the most flawless technique. With the left hand I slapped my father in the head to throw him off guard while simultaneously stepping through his block by completing a swim stroke with my right hand and in a feat of true beauty busted a spin move springing me clear of all danger. Remember....a war cry and a beautiful, athletic, brutal swim/spin move.

I then stood back about 20 feet while he killed the little critter with a shovel.

Gotta stay on your toes WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!!!!!

Come on, lets show them a solid front, leave a comment acknowledging what a brave and stunning specimen of a man I am.

Me and Animals Part I

So, this is a repost of a blog I put on myspace after a mishap on the farm....(Yes Richard and all you Liberty you Bahama trip alums...the cows finally got their revenge.

This should be good for a laugh or two.
When we were on vacation a few weeks ago, we stopped in B'ham and stayed with some good friends and had lunch with a few more. While there I played football. Didn't get hurt like my good friend James. From there we went to Florida and swam in the outdoor pool and waded in the ocean in early December and petted and fed alligators. Didn't get sick or bitten. We then drove to Georgia to my grandparents farm to visit my grandmother. There we swam in the nasty pond in December, shot 9mm, .45 handguns and several rifles. Didnt' get sick or the funk from the pond. Didn't get snake bit and didn't get shot. But....my wife and I were taking a early morning walk around the farm with the baby and the two dogs. We were walking thru the cow pasture (beef cows, not used to a lot of human interaction) and enjoying the little fiasco created by two beagles who have never seen cows and about 25 cows who have never seen dogs. Now...there were a few pregnant cows and a couple brand new baby cows...but I've been going there all my life and think I'm a pretty good judge of a cow's character. Some of the cows were very upset and agressive, but when they would charge me instead of the dog's, I would act real big and throw my hands up and yell at them to get away....which they do. A very fine tactic if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of bluffing cattle. Some of the cows would be downright mean and I would chase them off before they could misbehave, others were very friendly and I would let them approach and would scratch their head or feed them from my hand.
Well...one particularly large pregnant cow (about 2000-2500 lbs.) approached and I could tell she was friendly (remember I'm good at judging the character of cattle ha ha) she came right up to me, and as I was reaching out to pet her, she lowered her head and charged me before I could react. She slammed into my knees with her head (right knee still hurts and is stiff) then lifted her head quite agressively into my groin. This not only hurt enormously, but sent my flying on to her back, backwards, and slammed my head into her shoulder blade. (felt like I had been punched above my eye for a week). I'm now laying on this cow backwards, my wife screaming for the cow to "stop it" and both dogs barking and howling. The cow proceeds to run with me riding backwards on it's neck feeling quite confused and instinctivelly punching it in the ribs, which, as it's a 2500 lb. cow, is less effective as the aforementioned tactic of acting big, throwing hands up and yelling. It then wants to punish me for taking this ride and runs head first into a barbed wire fence which managed to not only cut my leg up, but hurt the cow and make her angry thinking that I was the one poking her in the head. She then proceeds to throw me through the air sideways landing on my butt between her and my wife holding my 8 month old baby. Now that she's not blindfolded by my crotch and can see the source of her discomfort, she feels it's her maternal duty to charge my with the intent of stomping me to China. Luckily, I got off one good punch that caught her behind the ear causing her to wince in pain and turn in the other direction.
All this to say, I now think it unwise to play Dr. Phil in analyzing the intentions of beef, and just stay away from cows when there is no protective barrier.
See..you're laughin' out loud now aren't you?

I know you're thinking of some interesting comments to leave for me.....leave them and wait a few days for my most recent adventure with "wild" animals.....and remember, no matter what my wife says, there was no "girlie flailing" of the arms.

Still Gotta Be a Father on Father's Day!

So...it is Father's day and I've already been a bit spoiled. Got snuggle time and breakfast in bed from the kids. Got a Best Dad Ever certificate and received a coupon book for fun stuff from Reese and the kids that are redeemable throughout the rest of the year. But, I've been reminded that I can't really take Father's day off.

See, my ideal rainy father's day is, after lunch of course...falling asleep on the couch while watching Chicago beat Toronto

And a little US Open action.

However, the kids really want me to watch Waterhorse with them so it looks like rather than sleeping to the sound of the crack of bats and the hushed tone of Open commentators, I'll be sleeping to the sound of the Loch Ness monster.

What will you be doing to enjoy your family today and more importantly allow your family to enjoy you?

Financial Legacy (Part 1 of 12)

If you remember, part of my "Manhood Plan", my strategy to be the husband and father I've been called to be in order to effect a long term legacy on my family, is

-I desire to reach financial freedom for my family in order to pursue God's callings without encumberance. To this end I will continue seeking God for his will with our money, finding ways to free more money to reduce debt sooner.

Dave Ramsey states it well when he says: "If you will live like no one else, Later you can LIVE/give like no one else!!"

To this end, Charis and I have begun a 12 week study by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University. It is encouraged that we journal our progress so I thought this would be as good a place as any.

It seems as though, although our income has increased, our ability to save has decreased. Some of this is due to our reliance on credit cards when my commission-only business was getting started, some of this is due to our buying a house and drastically increasing our housing expense. But, most of all, it is a mindset and excuse. The point was made that if our child were going to die unless he received a $1,000 vaccination, we would find a way to come up with that thousand. Good point. Dave recommends several baby steps, the first of which is to save $1,000 in an "emergency" fund. We have decided to take this first baby step although it doesn't seem possible with our current expense/income ratio. I currently have $50 deducted from my paycheck twice a month. We will continue to do this, but add a few things to this. We have decided to TRY to decrease our grocery/food budget from $700 a month to $400 freeing up $300. This will be quite a challenge of frugality, creativity and discipline in order to feed a family of 5 (and 2 dogs) on $100 a week. Also...I have TEMPORARILY postponed my 401(k) contributions and will re-route that into savings as well which will provide an additional $230ish a month. At this rate, if we can stick to it (could use your prayers for God's provision on that one) we will have our first baby step completed in 6 1/2 weeks. Currently we have 5% of our goal completed.

Forcible Following

It's interesting how God forces us to follow him sometimes because He loves us so much. It's interesting how God treated Lot and his family in Sodom. Sometimes... once we have surrendered ourselves to God and voluntarily placed ourselves in servitude and given him permission to direct our life...he does so. We like to believe that God ALWAYS speaks in a gentle whisper like He did to Elijah on the mountaintop, or that he leads us with gentle nudgings or that he is always the footprint in the sand gently and lovingly caring us. Sometimes, he gently and lovingly drags us kicking and screaming, sometimes He forcibly leads us. There are times when my kids are going against our wishes (perhaps walking towards something dangerous or just being outright rebellious and not going where we tell them) that I will walk over to them, grab them by the wrist, and drag them to where they belong. Turns out that's a godly example.

In Genesis 19:16 it says...."When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the Lord was merciful to them"

Sometimes mercy is forcible.

I think my family is experiencing this and it's quite uncomfortable.