It's true. This is hard for me to admit it, but apparently I have allowed the stress to get to me. We have a lot of things going on in our life right now, moving, work stresses etc. It's no excuse, but I allowed it to cloud my vision and I lost site of my responsibilitis as a father.
I actually choked my 10 year old son Karston until he passed out. Then, Josiah, my 7 year old just kept pushing my buttons and I ended up punching him about 4-5 times until he was in tears. Not my finest moment. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
In fact, it made me feel so sick to my stomach, that even when I woke up I still felt sick about it.
Yeah, it was just a dream. It started out that I was in a fight with this HUGE guy in a park. He wouldn't let me leave the park without fighting him. Now, most of the time when I have a fight dream, the other person is moving in real time while I'm throwing punches through molasses, no speed and it's very frustrating because I know I can whip this guys butt but I'm unable to move at real speed. This time, it was all as it should be. While he outweighed me and had about 6 inches on me, I was wailing on the dude. I was getting off punches and using his weight against him to throw him, I even put a killer arm lock on him that left him only able to fight with one hand.....but he JUST KEPT COMING!
I kept trying to get him to give it up for his own sake but he wouldn't. Finally I had enough and I was able to get behind him and put him in a choke hold until he passed out. Problem was, as soon as he passed out and hit the ground, he turned into my oldest son Karston. Of course everyone there was giving me well deserved grief for choking my son out but I assured them all that he would come back around momentarily, which he did. But as soon as he regained consciousness, he turned into this big ole dude again! So, I'm trying to let him know that for his own sake he needs to bow out but he wouldn't do it. I felt like one of the heroes in a good Louis Lamour western, just wailing on the guy but he just kept coming back for more. So...I unleashed a furious combo of about 5 punches to the temples on either side of his head. At which point, he immediately turned into my sweet sensitive 7 year old Josiah who was standing in front of me not only crying from the pain, but from the obvious hurt and betrayal I had just given him. I then had to sit on the ground and hug him telling him that I loved him and, after all, I had warned him I didn't want to fight him.
WHAT THE HECK????!!!!!!
What kind of dream is that that left me feeling sick to my stomach even after I woke up? I'm the kind of person that always wants to know what a dream means. You know, what's it mean when you have that dream that you are naked in front of your whole class in 8th grade?
Well, after a couple days of reflection, I think this was a reminder from God to not allow my situation and struggles, which seem to outweigh me and have at least 6 inches on me, to affect my family. To be very careful not to mistake my children and their tendencies to disobey and lie and generally act like savage 7 and 10 year olds, as my enemy. Focus my determination and will to fight on those circumstances, and focus every ounce of my energy on bestowing upon my children, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. It's what they deserve.
I'll be a savage and wail on my problems, but I'll be a "velvet covered brick" with my children. Be solid and unmoving on the outside, but soft and tender on the outside. That's a real man.
A fake man is tough looking on the outside, like a brick, but weak and soft on the inside. That's the kind of man that beats his kids up but is too much of a wuss to stand up to a big problem.
By the grace of God, you will never hear me start a real life sentence with "Confession: I physically abused my children two nights ago"
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Confession: I physically abused my children two nights ago.
Posted by Heath at 6:26 PM
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3 comments:
Wow! Thanks, Heath, for that reminder. I know I can often times do the same thing and allow the stress of life to effect my family. Thank you so much.
Wow, VERY provocative in a good way! I personally can't put too much worth into dreams, but sometimes they make sense and we can see through our subconscious muck. The Parenthood is a tough place but it still seems to be worth it, even if it turns in a literal nightmare. ;-) But most of all, you know who you are and your limits. I'm glad you saw this as a reminder of those great fatherly attributes your kids need and to reinforce healthy boundaries. Thanks for sharing and thank God this was not an internet confession of child abuse! ;-)
Heath, another great post. You seem to be inline with a study that my wife and I are doing.
In an earlier post you had talked about the plank and sawdust in the eye scenario. Then after reading that and jumping into our study, wham, there it was again.
Then in in our study it talked about how we should respond to each other, or in the case of the scripture reference, others.
Ephesians 4:29-32 (New Living Translation)
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,[a] guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
and
Colossians 3:12-13 (New Living Translation)
2 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
So as I read your post these scriptures resonated with me once again.
God is using you and the experiences to speak to others.
Continue to be a vessel and use this blog as one of the ways to communicate.. You are a blessing.
One of your brothers from the band,
Robert
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